🏳️‍⚧️The Right to Be Yourself – Even After Death

Happy PRIDE to all rainbow friends and allies!

This post will focus on the rights transgender people have to their chosen name and gender identity even after death, but it can be just as important and informative for those who are not trans to read as well.

A persistent myth about transgender people is that “all” trans people want to start hormone treatment, undergo gender-affirming surgeries, and legally change their gender marker.
That is not the case. Some need all of those things, while others need none of them.

What we all have in common is the desire to be seen and treated as who we truly are — even after death.

Your true identity can live on after your death

You have the right to be referred to, remembered, and honored with your chosen name and gender identity during your funeral, even if your name and gender differ from your legal registration.
The same applies to your obituary and gravestone.

In legal documents such as death certificates and estate inventories, however, the information from official records will be used.

Make your wishes known

Tell your loved ones, chosen family, and friends.
Write down how you wish to be referred to after your death in a document such as Vita Arkivet or LivsarkivetThese services are free of charge and can be updated whenever you wish.
If you have written your wishes down in a physical document, you can give copies to your loved ones and let them know where the original is kept.

When opinions differ

Not everyone has relatives who understand, accept, and respect who one is.
If you have a complicated relationship with your family, I first want to acknowledge and express sympathy for that sorrow.

One small comfort is that you can personally choose who you would like to have the main responsibility for arranging your funeral. It is important to remember, however, that your choice is not legally binding and cannot force that person to take on the responsibility.

If you already have someone in mind who you know would want to handle your funeral arrangements, you can note this in Vita Arkivet. If you do not wish to use Fonus’ services (such as Vita Arkivet), you can contact your local funeral home to ask how to make your wishes known and documented.

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As a bisexual transgender person myself, this topic is very close to my heart.
Everyone deserves to be respected for who they are, both in life and after death.

Wishing you all a wonderful rainbow month! 🏳️‍🌈

A short story with Quinley & Herrow

Who are Quinley and Herrow?
In Coffinfolk Café’s stand alone short stories, you’ll meet two most unlikely friends: 
Quinley – Coffinfolk’s café host. A young woman who loves life just as much as she loves exploring the cultural heritage of death and sharing advice, information, and insights that can help people – whether they are facing their own encounter with Death or living with grief.
Herrow – Death himself. He may look frightening in his black cloak, but beneath the bones is a kind soul who enjoys a cup of coffee and sharing experiences gathered from every corner of time.

You can find a longer introduction + a short story about their first meeting HERE

“A Rainbow In the Dark”
Narrated by Quinley

I would have happily drowned the café in rainbows and hearts, but my boss Harley convinced me that a more subtle tribute to Pride Month was often seen as both more genuine and more inclusive to everyone — even those who did not participate in events or celebrations.

After a bit of complaining on my part, I had to admit he was right. I’m a proud ally all year round, just like Harley doesn’t advertise his bisexuality or trans identity any more or less depending on what month the calendar says it is.

Through some unspoken agreement, we had established an unofficial work uniform for the month. I wore a t-shirt that read “You Will Have To Go Through Me” in the white, blue, and pink colors of the trans flag. I may look harmless, but I do not tolerate discrimination based on who someone is or who they love. Period.
Harley wore a shirt that said “You’re Safe With Me,” sometimes with the rainbow flag, other days with the trans flag. It suited him well.

Today, when I arrived at the café, Herrow had borrowed Harley’s rainbow-colored shirt, and the message definitely landed differently when it was the Grim Reaper wearing it.
When Harley pointed out that people who feared death might misunderstand the message, Herrow quickly changed back into his cloak.

“No matter how I’m dressed, the fact remains that everyone is safe with me,” Herrow declared as he settled into his usual spot on one of the sofas.
“We don’t doubt that. But you know how humans are…” Harley shrugged before disappearing into his office.

As I handed a cup of black coffee to the Grim Reaper, I took the opportunity to ask something I had been wondering about for the past few days.
“When a trans person dies and you come to collect them… how do you see them? I mean, do you see them as they see themselves, or…?”
My words felt as tangled as my thoughts, but as so often, Herrow seemed to understand exactly what I was trying to say.
“I see people in their purest, truest form. I meet every being with the same respect. I use their names — if they have one.” Herrow let out a raspy chuckle and took a sip from his coffee. “Do not worry, my friend. After death, there are no norms or labels. Whether someone lived as cis, trans, or nonbinary, I see them as their true self.”
“So you could say you’re an exemplary ally?”
“Well,” Herrow mused, “no one is quite as inclusive as Death.”